Rediscovering the 'Me' in 'Mumeeeeeee'

'I have always thought that there is no more fruitful source of family discontent than a housewife’s badly-cooked dinners and untidy ways'. (Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management, 1861)

July 15, 2010

Eliza Plum, Agony Mum. Week 3


I don’t know about anyone else but I’m really not enjoying these thunderous downpours. My nerves are in tatters and all I seem capable of doing is retreating to the chaise longue with an extra large Pimms and a box of Black Magic. I have no energy for the boys whatsoever. Come to think of it, I can’t remember when I last saw them? Hmmm. Anyway, first I must attend to your dreadful dilemmas. First up, a hopeless case from Dublin.

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Dear Eliza,
Do you have any recommendations for making a toddler sleep longer? My two-year-old only managed a five-minute nap yesterday, didn't settle down to sleep until after 8.30pm and was up again this morning at 6am pointing out that it was day and he wanted milk. He woke up his baby brother in the process. We have tried blackout blinds, putting him back to bed (absolutely no good) and chasing him round the garden to tire him out, but we suspect we might in fact need to source some heavy opiates. What is your advice?
Yours,
Tired of Dublin.

First of all, could I just inform all parents that so-called ‘blackout blinds’ do not work, unless they are from your grandmother’s collection of Things From The Blitz. The only real way to get children to sleep longer is to paint their window panes with blackboard paint, inside and out. It doesn’t make for a great view of the rolling meadows during the summer months, but worth the sacrifice for a good night’s sleep I’m sure you’ll agree. I would not, under any circumstances*, condone the use of opiates; heavy or otherwise. The exception to this is the use of G&T which is perfectly acceptable for mothers to imbibe as necessary, although I'm not entirely sure this classes as an opiate. I digress. Paint the windows.
*because I may get into trouble

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Dear Eliza,
How does one maintain an air of decorum when one's children are acting like feral children in public?
Yours,
Locked Indoors in Yorkshire

Locked indoors? In Yorkshire? I hope you are alright. Unfortunately my dear, despite the best of social grooming and appliance of strict discipline, children will still behave in an unsavoury manner at some point or other, and usually in public when you are trying to chat politely to Mrs Appleby-Brown about the next Whist Drive. I would suggest a quarter of midget gems or a Sherbet Dip-Dab as a quick-fix solution and make for home as quickly as possible. I’m not usually one to rely on sweets as a parenting technique, but sometimes the effect is more important than the cause.

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Next week, help with disrespectful six-year-olds and tips and tricks for frustrated writers who are trying to be parents - or maybe that's the other way around. In the meantime, please leave me your own problems below and remember: a problem shared is still a problem.

Don't have nightmares.

Disclaimer: Eliza Plum should be enjoyed responsibly. Her advice should not be taken seriously, especially the part about midget gems.

Image courtesy of Anne Taintor

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4 comments:

  1. Oh I do like a Pimms to keep the kiddies quiet - oh no wait, that only happens when I turn the monitor off. Still, do love the Pimms. Great, as always.

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  2. Very funny and very right. I just don't understand people who complain their children don't sleep past six but they haven't bothered making their rooms dark. How much of a masochist can you be?

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  3. Eliza you are so wise and sensible darling. I long to be the same. Do you offer life coaching services?

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  4. Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure we can try your tip about paint, sadly, as the house is rented. Our next idea: blue-tac and tin foil. (We have tried towels - pinned over the windows in addition to the black-out curtains - but it's surprising how much light gets through them.)

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