Wordless Wednesday: Picture Perfect

Inspired by the meme started by the fab Tara at Sticky Fingers , and which the lovely Insomniac Mummy passed on, I give you my four-year-old's depection of me! I think it's reather lovely! The two-year-old was also invited to participate in this activity, but politely declined.

To keep this great meme going, I'd like to pass the task of getting your children to draw a picture of you, to the following excellent bloggers:-

Mummy Do That
Life Slightly Used
Tartan Mammy
Life and Times of a Househusband

Wordless Wednesday: Picture Perfect

Ten things not to do at birthday parties

1. Do not stay when the invitation has specifically told you to drop the children and go. This is mildly irritating for the hosting parent.

2. Do not bring along your husband and other children, when the invite was specifically only for one child. This is VERY irritating for the hosting parent.

3. Do not greet the returning parents with a large glass of wine in your hand and then trip up over a balloon and fall over. This does not give the impression that you have been an entirely responsible adult in their absence.

4. Do not listen to your husband when he suggests taking the 7 four-year-olds upstairs to the attic to dance. This will bring the ‘party’ to an abrupt end as the boys will make a beeline for the train track and two princesses dancing does not a party make.

5. Do not attempt to feed seven children sausages and chips at 3.30pm in the afternoon when they have stuffed their faces with sweets for an hour already (I still do not know precisely why I thought this would be a good idea).

6. Do not give chocolate cake to children who have come in fancy dress oufits which they will be going Trick or Treating in later that evening.Their mothers will not be best pleased at the added brown-ness.

7. Do not face paint over the face paint the child already had on when they arrived. Their mothers will not be best pleased.

8. Do not put things in the girl’s party bags which the boys do not have. Who would have thought that a pink, sparkly eye mask would provoke such an outpouring of grief.

9. Do not allow your toddler to eat popcorn – it will cause them to vomit all over their lovely lion costume.

10. Do not resist the urge to kick your husband sharply in the shin when he announces to the returning parents, “Well – I think next year we’ll definitely be hiring somewhere. This was a bit chaotic”.

(All events and characters referred to above are fictional. Any resemblance to actual events or to persons living or deceased is, ahem, purely coincidental).

Ten things not to do at birthday parties

I, Mumbot

GREETINGS TO YOU. I – AM – A – MUMBOT.

For those of you not familiar with the term, a Mumbot is defined in the Concise Oxford English Dictionary* as follows:-

Mumbot (def)

An individual (usually of the female genus) who has become routinely predictable and dull in her approach to parenting.

A mumbot provides standard issue meals for the family in a strict daily rotation. She moves around in a hypnotic manner, apparently devoid of life to those who observe her.

She shouts commands and orders at those around her and is on constant high-alert for a total system overload which can lead to component parts ceasing to function properly. System overload can be triggered by the smallest thing going slightly wrong in her day.

Mumbots often seem to have no sense of humour and tolerance levels are also particularly low in this type of droid.

Unlike the newer model ‘Dadbot’, Mumbots do not have much fun with their children – being programmed specifically to focus on providing the more basic needs of food, comfort and hygiene.

Mumbots are capable of feeling mild human emotions of envy towards Dadbots when they see them playing a game of rough and tumble with a child, or having an extended bedtime chat with them about different types of snakes or patiently role-playing pirates to encourage them to eat their dinner. Mumbots are not capable of doing these things as most models do not have the requisite specifications of patience or energy for these activities.

Mumbots move around particularly quickly for the entire day, rushing from one place to another (often carrying a child or a pile of washing or lots of toys), and yet they never appear to actually get anything done.

They sigh a lot.

Unlike the Dadbots whose systems are programmed to completely switch off between the hours of 11pm and 7am, Mumbot systems are programmed to switch to stand-by mode at around 11pm each evening. They never power-down completely.

Following any form of system overload, Mumbots can be given cups of tea in bed on a weekend and should be sent off shopping on their own regularly in order to restore their systems to full working order.

If you encounter a Mumbot, you should speak calmly and pleasantly to her and mention that her hair looks nice. She will detect that you are not telling the truth, but will appreciate the gesture anyway.

*not really, but perhaps it should be in there

I, Mumbot