Rediscovering the 'Me' in 'Mumeeeeeee'

'I have always thought that there is no more fruitful source of family discontent than a housewife’s badly-cooked dinners and untidy ways'. (Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management, 1861)

July 7, 2009

Fasten Your Seatbelts Please

(Warning: Do not read while eating your breakfast).

Someone at work once said they had ‘been vomited on from a great height’. A fabulously descriptive phrase for being dropped in it.

Well, now it’s my turn to be vomited on from a great height. Quite literally. Three thousand feet to be precise.

Having survived another awful flight in cattle class, I finally relaxed as the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ sign was illuminated for our descent into Dublin. All wriggling by children had to now officially stop, or the police would take us off the plane (the kids believe this anyway).

Two seconds later, Number One decides he desperately needs a wee. Call bell pressed, we get special permission for him to do the fastest wee in history. All safely buckled back in, Number Two then decides to be sick. Violently. All over me.

In the final stages of our approach to the runway, and with anything potentially helpful stowed in the overhead locker out of reach, I can do nothing but sit there and let him get on with it. Unpleasant doesn’t even get close.

Finally, as we land and the plane stops at our gate, he stops. Then he grins up at me, clearly feeling much better for ‘getting it out’. I sit frozen in my seat, afraid to move and reveal the true extent of the damage done.

“You can have a shower at my mam’s”, pipes up the other half, trying to be helpful. It was not helpful. At all.

Eventually, covered from the waist down in sheer awfulness, I walk off the plane, all the way to passport control, through baggage reclaim and into the arrivals hall. I now, absolutely, know what a walk of shame feels like.

They say that every cloud has a silver lining. I’m still looking.

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9 comments:

  1. How awful H - would love to have seen it though! Great piece. Please post more often. S

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  2. Hello Hot Cross Bun! Very funny story... I was pee'd on in an airplane, in a way that made it look like I had done the pee....;-/

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  3. Great story - well told... But note that your previous post is entitled "In which I don't get to take a sickie"! Is this a case of being careful what you wish for??? Cos you definitely 'got a sickie' in the end!

    I would watch my titles in future if I were you???

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  4. LOL! Oh sorry, I really shouldn't do that. ;)

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  5. Oh so funny - almost our story exactly! Except we had no gate to dock at so had to sit for 20 mins with plane getting hotter ( and me feeling sicker) before we could get to those overhead lockers for the poor kid's change of clothes and the wipies!

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  6. Just back from Boston during which we had a similar incident on flight out. I was relaxing thinking "we're almost there and it's been a pretty uneventful flight" (always dangerous) when small man sitting in his carseat between us starts to make those tell-tale Alien noises. Oh no. I look down to see a fountain of vomit spewing forth, up into mid-air a good foot or so then back down all over his face, into his eyes and nose. In my panic that he might drown, I tilt him forward so cascade now hits back of seat in front and down over his blanket and my lovely leather bag. Smart place to put it. After that moment when we look at each other across a vomit-covered baby in silent horror, we swing into action, dad heading for one toilet with little mite and change of clothes, me cleaning up the mess around us and doing as best a job I could with the carseat. Meanwhile although I feel terrible for what we've inflicted on the lone passenger at the end of our row, I just can't bring myself to look at him and apologise. The shame.
    Happy news is we had a repeat of almost identical drama in cafe in Boston 2 days later. We're now experts at critical incident cleanup in record time. And I know how to take the cove off the Maxi-Cosi!

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  7. Oh my! Would it make you feel better if someone said to you this was a parenting rite of passage?

    No, thought not! x

    You have reminded me of a time my daughter was sick in the car on the way back from a doctor's appointment and *then* someone drove into the back of us.
    To my shame I let this driver believe she had caused the spewing.
    Well for about 30 seconds anyway.

    Great post, thanks for a cracking read.

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  8. I don't know whether to cry for you, to laugh (it *is* funny) or to feel almost envious. I write a lot about vomit on my blog because my children seem to vomit a lot. But I've never had to sit in a pool of my own child's vomit.

    It makes for a great story...

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