Rediscovering the 'Me' in 'Mumeeeeeee'

'I have always thought that there is no more fruitful source of family discontent than a housewife’s badly-cooked dinners and untidy ways'. (Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management, 1861)

August 22, 2011

My life of biscuit chaos

I owe a lot to biscuits - they've cheered me up when I am down, comforted me on a cold winter's day and brought me deep joy when I thought there was no chocolate in the house only to discover a slightly soggy chocolate hob nob in the bottom of the biscuit jar. Huzzah.

But, until I had children, I had no idea of the extent to which biscuits would feature in my life. Now, from dawn to dusk, there is a permanent background noise in my house. It is the word 'biscuit' - buzzing and humming around my ears everywhere I go. The kitchen, sitting room, bedroom, garden, attic - there's no escape: 'biscuit, biscuit, biscuit...' I hear it over and over and over again; biscuit white noise if you will.,

Ten minutes after breakfast - "Mummy, can I have a biscuit. Pleeeeeeeeease. Just one."
Mid morning - "Mummy, I'm hungry, can I have a snack." (snack meaning biscuit)
Pre-lunch - "Mummy, can I have a biscuit while I'm waiting for lunch."
Post-lunch - "Mummeeeeeeeee, can I have a biscuit for pudding."
While I'm on the phone - "Mummy, I'm just getting a biscuit. OK."

and so on and so forth all day until bedtime when we have, somehow, fallen into a bizarre arrangement of 'milk and a bedtime snack'. Yes, you guessed it, snack meaning biscuit. Aaarrrggghhhhhhh. I actually had a dream that I was being chased by a ginormous digestive the other day. It was terrifying.

But how did this 'biscuit mayhem' come about? How did my relentless provision of raisins and apple rings and blueberries to my babbling six-month olds turn into this? What started out as a sensible arrangement of Rich Tea or Fig Rolls for the occasional mid-morning snack, has escalated over the six years of child-rearing to a snack cupboard which is drowning in biscuits. Somehow, in some kind of stealth movement, the biscuits have infiltrated my home and rendered me and my kids powerless to resist their crumbly temptations.

Personally, I blame Aldi. Their biscuits are far too exciting for any three-year-old to ignore, and I now find myself coming back from the weekly shop with what can only be described as an unnecessary amount of biscuits: Disco Biscuits, Custard Creams, Bourbons, Digestives, Shortbread, Malted Milk - a biscuit for every possible eventuality, crammed into the trolley by a small boy while I am deliberating over types of bread.

This biscuit dependency chaos must end. There is virtually no room at all in the cupboard for my gin or tonic and the poor raisins haven't seen the light of day for months.

So, when we've eaten all the biscuits in the house, I'm not getting any more, with maybe one exception of Jaffa Cakes - which are technically not a biscuit, they're a cake. So there.



  1. Aldi biscuits rock. You can't enter Aldi and not leave without at least 2 or 3 packs of biscuits - fact. I'll be impressed by your willpower if you manage to pull it off!

  2. "I actually had a dream that I was being chased by a ginormous digestive the other day. It was terrifying." That is the funniest thing I've read for ages.

    Be glad you don't have oreos, which are the staple here (though I think I did see them in England this summer, so maybe you do in Ireland too). They leave a horrible black ring round a child's mouth. Horrible.

  3. So glad it's not just my house. I do like the buzzing description - that's exactly what it is like. I may take to swatting the child next time. Will let you know if it works.

  4. At least you can actually HEAR the word "biscuit"! I hear it in my head...incessantly calling me to the biscuit tin. Who am I to disobey?!! X

  5. Over a decade ago when I first visited Ireland and discovered "Biscuits" I was so thrilled. They are soooo much better than the cookies we sell in the US. Every year when I go back, sometimes even alone, the BEST trips to Ireland, I stock up on Barrys tea, some African wine whose name I can't remember and fresh Salmon. I eat and drink until I can not fit in my airplane seat but I go home very happy. My husband thinks it is because of the sea. He does not know about my love affair with the biscuits.

  6. I have well defined muscles in my right arm from lifting biscuits into my mouth, and a muffin top to match....

    Small people judge you on the state of the bicuit tin


  7. Oh dear they would hate my house. I never buy biscuits because I gave no will power whatsoever and eat the whole pack before I realise. We do make biscuits sometimes but they never last mire than a day.

    We call the MIL Nanny Biscuit because of her peddling if the sweet stuff so the kids don't miss out.

  8. Cries of "milk and cookies" occur at an hourly rate in our house, which translates as milk and Aldi biscuits. My entire shopping trolley consists of biscuits, biscuits and more biscuits, I thought it was just me who was weak and unable to say no to the 49c packets, thank God you posted this, you've done a great thing! You've helped me realise I'm not alone....

  9. Ah yes, the toddler in our house likes to randomly throw the word "cookie" out there, just in case one is forthcoming! Even his imaginary games involve feeding invisible cookies to his teddy bears.

  10. I'm met with a lot of "cookie?" I understand. The Nannies won't let them have any but they know Mommy's a pushover.

  11. Funny this, I think it must be a UK thing, because here in the US my kids eat loads of crackers and bagels with cream cheese. I do miss the choccy digestives, though I can get them in the Brit aisle at deli down the road...

  12. You can't cut out biscuits - a choccy digestive in a cup of tea is heaven!

  13. Jaffa cakes counts as one of your 5 a day surely? They do in my house :D

  14. Youngest doesn't ask, she has always helped herself, even when she had to climb on a chair to reach the biscuit tin.. but I can always hear the tin lid opening!
    Note: I try to buy biscuits I don't like to avoid temptation. Sometimes this works.

  15. I'm glad its not just me that has requests for snacks ALL day long! Don't let the biscuits take the gin spot though! You need the gin to get rid of the buzzing noise! x


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