The Trouble With Men

Has anyone else seen the column in the Sunday Times ‘The Trouble With Women’? The complaint being offered a few weeks ago was “They’re always giving us chores”. It made for amusing reading, and left me with a strong urge to offer some sort of a retort. So, here goes:

The Trouble With Men

They cause mess, clutter and leave a trail of destruction around the house. Socks, shoes, bank statements, wash bags, loose change, mobile phone chargers, receipts, golf score cards, golf tees, golf shoe studs and other such ‘man’ stuff clutter every imaginable surface of your home, rendering a good polish practically impossible.

Men are also incapable of putting things back into the fridge after making themselves a sandwich. They don't know where the plates are kept as they never use one and don't know where the dishwasher is as they are only able to put dinner plates within close proximity of the dishwasher, but fail to ever put them into the dishwasher itself, so baffled they are as to its possible whereabouts.

Perhaps the most troublesome thing about men is that despite living in the same house as you, they do not know where any of the children’s clothes are kept. Simple instructions to fetch a clean vest and socks can cause untold confusion and frustration.

Men also don't understand that there are some towels which are used for every day and there are separate, 'posh' ones which are used only when guests are visiting. Similarly, they do not realise that there are some mugs which should not be used when making guests a cup of tea or coffee.

When challenged on their level of contribution to the general up-keep of the house, men will claim that they do more than their fair share. The reason you are not aware of them doing any jobs is because, unlike yourself, they don't feel there is any benefit to be gained by drawing your attention to the matter. The sort of jobs men undertake in this mysterious manner include such essential tasks as sharpening the meat knives, re-aligning the gas burners on the hob or straightening up the umbrella plant.

Even men who are handy in the kitchen are troublesome. Their intentions may be honourable, but for goodness sake, how long and how many pans does it take to make a bowl of pesto pasta? With all the noises coming from the kitchen when men are cooking, you would think they were installing the cooker, never mind boiling a pan of pasta on it.

So, that's my counter-attack done. Thank you for reading!

I would like to point out that most of what is observed here is based on careful, scientific research and is in no way a direct reflection of my own husband’s domestic habits or of any men within my acquaintance or who read this blog.

The Trouble With Men

The Language of Life

It occurred to me the other day that I have a completely different vocabulary now that I am a Stay At Home Mum. Back in my professional hey-day (i.e last year!), I used to come out with all sorts of management-speak - you know, the stuff that David Brent would be proud of. I thought about this a little more and thought I would try and remember some of the more cringe-worthy phrases I used to say and how they compare to what comes out of my mouth now. You may recognise some of these!

I used to say, "Short, medium and long term plans"
I now say, "Plan? What plan?"

I used to say, "Feedback sandwich"
I now say, "Cheese sandwich without crusts cut into four triangles"

I used to say, "Brain-storm"
I now say, "Oooo, listen, there's a storm"

I used to say, "Bottom line"
I now say, "Washing line"

I used to say, "FYI"
I now say, "FFS"

I used to say, "Where's the value-add"
I now say, "Where's the value supermarket?"

I used to say, "Self-assessment"
I now say, "Self-help"

I used to say, "Performance review"
I now say, "Have you done a poo?"

I used to say, "Pie chart"
I now say, "Reward chart"

I used to say, "Let's get our ducks in a row"
I now say, "Five little ducks went swimming one day"

I used to say, "Singing from the same hymn sheet"
I now say, "Please stop singing. You're hurting mummy's ears"

I used to say, "Business critical"
I now say, "Breakfast cereal"

I used to say, "Let's just park that"

I now say, "Let's just go to the park"

I used to say, "Thinking outside the box"

I now say, "I can't hear myself think"

I used to have a Situation Room - now, I need a Panic Room.

Funny old world, isn't it?!

The Language of Life

Firsts

There are many memorable 'firsts' in history, but for most parents, the 'firsts' they experience with their children are the really important ones! From tiny babies, we anxiously wait for our children to reach little milestones; first smiles, first tooth, first taste of proper food, first attempts at crawling, first clap hands, first words, first tentative steps.

We have hundreds of photos of the first trip out in the buggy, the first sandcastle, first snowman, first christmas, first birthday, and then the 'firsts' seem to slow down a bit. Maybe there are less of them, or maybe we become a little less observant? And yet, there will always be another milestone around the corner. Maybe not one we were expecting or even thought we would be excited about, but there it is; the first time the shapes go into the sorter, the first time they take off their own trousers, the first time they do a tumble without your help.

We recently had another 'first' to add to our list: we all went to the cinema. The boys are 4 and 2 so we were not at all sure whether this was a good idea, but frozen out of our home and getting cabin fever in our temporary accommodation we decided to test the water. Much as we would have loved to see Avatar (having not been to the cinema ourselves for about 5 years), we did the honorable thing and bought 4 tickets for 'Alvin and The Chipmunks: the Squeakquel'. Luckily, the boys absolutely loved it and as I watched them tucking into their popcorn and staring wide-eyed at these squeaky creatures, I mentally notched this up as another first. OK, it's maybe not as memorable as Star Wars or ET, but it's still a first!

Today was another first. I signed the school enrollment form. Yes, September looms and with it will come another, and very significant 'first'. I suppose, like all the others, starting school is just another step away from being a baby and towards being an adult. Much as that scares me in many ways, rather than dread this day I'm going to try and treat this 'first' as I have all the others; with excitement, anticipation and the camera at the ready!

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Firsts